The Art of the Silent Fart

Wait to hear a pop, then release the rest of the piggybacking fart.
by Edwin of awkwardlist.com

Photo from Matias Jaramillo’s flickr

The whole world needs to be able to fart freely, because nobody wants to hold it in for so long that you explode, and we all know that you should never force such a thing. You see, by the time farts come out, most of it is composed of nitrogen. If you’re a nervous person who swallows a lot of air and digests things quickly, your farts may contain a lot of oxygen.

Why do they stink?

Small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture (compounds that contain sulfur) makes them smell. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct, which create bubbles that are small, hot, and heavily concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. Aka the silent-but-deadly.

If you skipped the last paragraph because I used chemistry, I’m not offended.

In order for you to fart silently, there are a few techniques out there that can help you out:

1. Let out a little gas (you may hear a pop) and then release the rest piggybacking on the opening the pop made. If you can stop the pop, you’re golden.
2. Squat. A band conductor once suggested this to us, and even though I haven’t tried it.. I still don’t endorse it. It’s risky.
3. Muffle the sound somehow.

Didn’t think you’d be getting a lesson on flatulence this morning, right? Haha! You’re welcome!

Any awkward fart stories out there?

First World Work Problems

Parts of this post are hypothetical. Maybe.
by Becca Cord of 25ToFly

Photo from photoXpress; stock.xchng

I read a post today by Lament’s and Lullalbies that I thought was brilliantly human, which is odd, because I know internet people aren’t people at all, they are aliens. Cool aliens, but aliens nonetheless. Don’t worry, I am not phoning the MIB… yet.

Her post addresses the human condition of struggling between making ends meet and making your dreams come true. She writes in a way that is synonymous with the mosh pit of a thought process that I assume begins in most people’s minds when thinking about these issues. Everyone has an ideal career, or two, or three, or is at least on the search to finding one. Everyone also faces the ongoing obligation to provide for themselves at the same time. It is all a huge balancing act and we don’t have the proper equilibrium. In my case, I am just drunk.

We have to work. Most of us have to work jobs we are less than enthused about because: money. All too often people become barricaded in these jobs for years and years of monotony and turmoil. Why? Scum bag employer syndrome.

This scenario includes two pawns: the dreamer (also known as you) and the force you think you can duel but ultimately are powerless against… the scum bag employer. Here is how it goes:

You: I need to quit my job and pursue my dream of becoming a renowned [insert your dream here] if I ever want it to really happen. That’s right, no more wasting time. I make good money, but it’s not enough worth enduring the bored/grumpy/blase feeling at the end of every work day. I’d rather take a pay cut in exchange for fulfillment. I am going to do this.

Scum Bag Employer: Oh yea?  Really now? You are finally going to make the plunge? How about I go ahead and give you a hefty raise at the precise moment that you get the balls to leave me. Oh yea, and that 401K  to which you just began to contribute? You won’t get to keep even half of it if you bail on me in less than a year. You are getting your own office too. With a real live plant. Looks like you will be bringing the fruit cake to this year’s Christmas bash after all. See you Monday!

You: Well fuck.

Share a conversation with your Scum Bag Employer!

About Becca Cord: I am a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned business student.

World’s Worst Acronyms

Acronyms made our life’s verbal aspect easier, but you’ll frown at this list!

Using Acronyms. Photo from osakabentures.com

I’m thankful for the invention of it. I can breath smoothly while talking because there’s no need for me to say ‘National Aeronautics and Space Administration’; I’ll just mouth NASA. It’s more convenient and safe too, especially when in conversation about a person in the vicinity. It would mean no harm if I say TBT than ‘That Bastard There’ or ‘TIIC’ than ‘Those Idiots in Charge’.

I could use acronyms to score a girl by pulling out pawns like HOLLAND, which meant ‘Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies’ – touchdown! Asia will do fine as well, like INDIA, which meant ‘I Nearly Died In Adoration’; or I could jump in Africa, like EGYPT, which meant ‘Everything’s Great, You Pretty Thing!’. Okay, let’s stop this continental atrocity.

FBI, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, always appear to me as a cool word. YOLO is nice too, ‘You Only Live Once’. But regardless of the meaning of an acronym, some of it just sound damn great and appropriate, but not the list below. I scraped the internet for the worst acronyms ever created. Here they are:

Acronym: ASOL
Meaning: The American Symphony Orchestras League
Side comment: It’s just that, it sounds like you know what hole.

Acronym: STUPID
Meaning: St. Thomas University of Public International Diplomacy
Side comment: I feel so sorry for the university, such an irony to be called stupid.

Acronym: MANPADS
Meaning: Man-portable air-defense systems
Side comment: This is effin’ hilarious!

Acronym: ASS
Meaning: American Society of Scotts
Side comment: I imagined it how the man would say “Hi, I’m the president of ASS”.

Acronym: PUMCODOXPURSACOMLOPOLAR
Meaning: Pulse Modulated Coherent Doppler-Effect X-Band Pulse-Repetition Synthetic-Array Pulse Compression Side Lobe Planar Array
Side comment: If I ever need to use this in a sentence (don’t think it’ll happen), I’ll refer you as ‘that thingy’.

Those are my favorites. You could check out more in Beg to Differ’s NOMO: The 25 worst acronyms in the world and in Linkedin’s discussion Worst acronym for an organization name?

What is the worst acronym?

More Moments for you:
SillyWebsiteNames.com
Loath these Laws
Unnecessary Technological Upgrades

Men and Women Restroom Habits Dissimilarity

It’s common knowledge that women go to restroom in packs, but men do it too.

Man and Woman Peeing. Photo from thoughts.com

It’s a puzzle why women go to washroom all together, and why does it take them a freakin’ bluemoon in doing it. I mean, I can finish all Stephen King’s books before the girls reappear themselves from peeing.

I know it’s longer for a woman to leak; and there’s more hassle. But come on, I think you use that place to giggle and gossip. That’s about it, right?

Men do it too, but we just won’t say it out loud, like “Hey bros, let’s go to washroom together”, for the obvious reason of it sounding too gay. But it goes like this: one guy would want to pee, and now that he says it, the other men would now feel they needed to pee; so in turn, everybody’s peeing!

I’ll tell you what’s happening inside our “man room”. First, guys don’t pee next to each other in urinals. Usually, there are about four to eight urinals, so a man is free to choose which wall he’ll face. But it’s awkward to pee next to each other, it’s erratic and uncomfortable. There’s a study that implanted a camera in urinals, and it took longer for men to start leaking when next to some other dude.

It’s not a networking event, so men shouldn’t talk so much there. Public restroom is disgusting, and I always wanted to get straight to business and get out of it at the soonest possible time. But see, there are men who prate while peeing. They are the ones who talk about his singleness or his bowel issues. They should be hanged, and then stabbed to be sure.

Watch the dissimilarity:

What men Do In Toilet

What Women Do In Toilet

What are your restroom habits?

More Moments for you:
Men and Women Shopping Dissimilarity
Big Boys Cry
Wedding Day Changes Men in 3 Facets

Big Boys Cry

Here’s something that almost made me cry – toys on the verge of destruction. 

Big Boys Cry. Photo from Cosmopolitan

Yeah, that scene from Toy Story 3 when Woody and his pals already accepted their demise. And then once more was when Andy played with his toys for the last time and gave them away. I mean, all men can relate to that. It’s just so hard to let go of your, um, action figures.

Remember the moment when you received a test sheet, scanned the rest of it and found it to be too long. After you’re done with it, you can already publish it as a book. Just looking ahead of that very long boring test, your eyes could water on its own because like it or not, you have to go through with it.

A guy in the name of Rob Dyrdek spent $700 Million on lottery tickets (paid in cash), on which the jackpot prize was $356 Million. The draw came, numbers arise, and surprise him. He lost. Nobody won on that draw. Talk about slap on the face, that’s worth crying to.

Men are taught to not show their weak emotions. Part of masculinity is to hold back tears, an attribute women typically exhibit. So to be a man is to be not a woman. Though, it doesn’t mean that men, over the years, have lost emotions. Men have estrogen as well. It’s undeniable; but denying it is expected of men.

Big boys cry, perhaps not in public but there are instances that can make them cry. Loosing a game of their favorite sports team could do the trick, but also try taking something they treasure so much, be it family, friends, or lunch. Ideally, breaking up with a girl too.

We all have our own story, isn’t it? Actually, there is one thing that can burst me every time. It’s a very horrible experience; I’d want to forget about it; I’d want to get over it; I’d want it to mean nothing. But it just always make me cry – peeling onions.

Remember this episode in friends, where Monica tried to tear up her beau Chandler?

When was the last time you cried or made your man cry?

More Moments for you:
Wedding Day Changes Men in 3 Facets
Chances of a Saint and a Nation
Make A Girl Smile (Valentine’s Day)