It’s all about preparations for advancing life.
Boy is Bullied. Photo from singlemindedwomen.com
It is not preferred for any child to be bullied at all. Yes, in a perfect world; but ours was imperfect. Regardless of one’s developmental stage, class or any demographics you can think of, bullies are sure visitors.
It’s true, a fact of unfair life. I’ve seen (and known) many adults who would break into a fistfight just because someone accidentally stepped on him, or would rant publicly in a waiter’s degraded face because of a trivial mistake of dropping an onion on her lap. These people don’t know how to handle unexpected and disadvantaged events, and it may perhaps because the likes of similar events are never experienced before.
A bullied child will learn how to fight later on. I’m promoting fighting; not to harass but to defend, not to be violent but to be vigilant, and not to be purely emotional but to be justly rational. It’s so easy to punch back or pull the hair of your bullies, but you’ve learned a valuable lesson when you restrained yourself and fought back with integrity.
Experiencing pain early in life only increases your threshold of it. Indefinitely, next time an oppressing force strained you, you knew you got over it, that it’s nothing beyond manageable. I see bullying as a practical teacher from life for the rest of life.
On finale note, there are two sides. It is better to be bullied, that to be the bully.
What’s your view in bullying? Has it changed you?
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I see what you’re saying about it building integrity and what not and it’s true in some cases, but what about the kids who do not have that mental tuffness or right support system around them? You see a lot of them committing suicide or trying to or just having a lot of mental problems when they get older. I was bullied and I had that mental tuffness to never give up and stop believing I agree it made me a stronger person, but if I didn’t have that mindset or right support system around maybe I might not be the person I am today. So I partially agree this will work for the right person but not all so I still do not agree with bullying.
Yes, I too was bullied (in grade school, at 6 I was the same size as my 3 yr old sister, very short) and I tended to fight back. While I had a pretty strong sense of self from my family, I became super shy and closed off. The result was not the down-trodden image of shy, bullied kids but people thought I was stuck up instead. I developed a very low tolerance for teasing from friends and family and as a result grew I up with my strong sense of self-worth intact but with I have trouble trusting people, opening up, and making new friends. You never know when someone could turn on you. Even with a support system there can be adverse long term effects.
I completely agree with you. I became very shy people always thought I was stuck up also, but you can’t care what people think I overcame being shy and am a very confident and outgoing person it’s very hard for me to dislike someone. I believe in second chances, but like you I only allow certain group of people very close to me because you’re right you don’t know who will turn on you. But I see it when they turn on you it may be because they were top dog before you came in some place and now because you get along with everyone and everyone is talking with you that other person becomes jealous and turns on you. But I agree with you on the long term effects that bullying can and do have thats why I am totally against bullying. I am a dancer that is straight guys became jealous because I was always around girls and most was there girlfriends and I was partner dancing with them, and I got called every name in the book and it hurt, but I told myself that they were jealous and that they were not going to stop me from doing what I loved to do. So dance already gave me that discipline not the bullying dance gave me that discipline. But it’s difficult for me now because I see a kid like me thats loves dance and he’s going through the same thing bullying and I’m trying to give him advice on how to handle it because if they the bullies know they got to us they will keep coming at us. So we can’t let them know they got to us. Again this method will not work for everyone and again I’m totally against bullying.
Accepting bullying as a valuable life lesson for the bullied is creating a path of acceptance for something that is insidious and harmful. More and more evidence is pointing to the fact that bullying isn’t making the bullied stronger but makes it more likely for the bullied to self-harm or have more problems latter in life. It seems to be pointing to lower confidence and self-esteem and less success in those who were victims of bullying. It is also preventing people who bully from getting the help they need to deal with whatever is triggering their need to have power of those smaller or weaker than themselves. I would never want to be in a relationship with someone who bullied others or harmed animals. I wouldn’t trust them as partners or as a potential father for any children I might have.
This is the point I was trying to make with my comment I 100% agree with you!
I agree, and as you mentioned above, you’ve been a victim. I’m sure you would have better insight into this matter than someone who hasn’t felt what it’s like being bullied. If however, instead of support systems, we have systems that do not promote unhealthy competition among kids/adults etc, such issues should not even arise!
I’m afraid I have to completely disagree. There is much evidence as to the long term consequences of bullying for the victims of it. I don’t agree that it makes them better at defending themselves, nor that it increases their threshold for pain; it can in fact do the opposite as victms can become downtrodden, feel worthless, and just give up. Of course there will be individual cases where what you say is true because everyone is different, but overall it is hugely destructive and victims can suffer from childhood experiences of being bullied for the rest of their lives.
Adding to your argument I would say that instead of having support systems for the bullied, if we have systems that do not promote unhealthy competition among kids/adults etc, such issues should not even arise in the first place!
Terrible, this with bullying … and it’s not only children – even adults bully each other. Parents bully their children. People are bullying their dogs .. screaming and shouting for no reason, but nobody sees as bullying – of course it’s. Of course children will think it’s normal behavior and will do the same as they become adults. Bullying can come for peer pressure, but a lot of it starts at home and there is where we should start the change. Lived 10 years in Belfast and run into the hate that has grown from generation to generation – all comes from the parents. When you could hear kids hadn’t even started school through their hate around.
I’m sorry, I cannot agree with you. Children have committed suicide through being bullied. They have self-harmed because they have though it was them that was wrong. My daughter attempted suicide because of being bullied. How can you tell me that it helped her. I’m sorry, I know it is your view, but it is the wrong one,
No, this is not a charachter building lesson or game. This is not the threshhld which a child’s limit should be built upon.
What about the child who is billied and has no safe haven to go home to? What if their home life is just as brutal? Who is going to help them learn some valuable lesson from bing picked on?
As a CASA I see kids in courts all the time, they are there because they were bullied at home first, this is where they made their bones. Now out nto the streets these kids go who have only been beaten up on. Rather a frightening scenerio.
Nope, Bullying is not the lesson for which to teach our children limits and their threshhold.
Sorry this time I cannot agree.
Confrontation is natural in the mammalian world – – – including humans. It establishes the order of things. HOWEVER – – – the attacking of an individual by groups is not bullying and not acceptable. It is reprehensible.
To summarize; when two people confront each other it is normal. When one person is ganged up on it is unacceptable.
So please don’t call individual differences of opinion as bullying (and that is exactly what a lot of these articles on bullying seem to be doing these days).
I was bullied, picked on whatever you want to call it, it was part of growing up, it wasnt until I fought back that it ended. Funny how bullies dont like it when you push back. I fully agree of standing your ground and not being made a victim and fighting back, what I dont agree with is getting in trouble for defending yourself
Being bullied surely makes you stronger. Or at least it made me stronger.
I was bullied a great deal as a child.
It taught me multiple lifelong lessons that helped me understand that the world is NOT always a fair place to live. It also taught me that there are many times when you can beat the odds. It also taught me several problem solving skills.
This anti-bullying stuff is crap unless we are sending our children into a Utopian society. So until we all move back to Eden, I will let my child endure a little bullying so she is more prepared to deal with the realities of life.
It’s said that ” one who humiliates you much, is the one who would have been humiliated more in his life”. The same goes with Bully. Yes experiencing these early in life only makes u stronger.
I was bullied at an emotional level when I was in elementary school and I think the only thing that got me through it was my neighbour, who turned out to be my best friend and still is to this day.
When I got to high school, I grew pretty tall and for the most part was left alone but I sure as hell wasn’t afraid to get into a fight when it called for one. There was only one person I truly had a problem with but the school ended up dealing with him, which was nice.
Bullying can help toughen a person yes but not everyone has the kind of internal strength needed to persevere. I was very lucky. Schools in particular HAVE TO become more aggressive with bullies because to me, a lot of problems stem from the fact that teachers and administrators, just, don’t, CARE. They really don’t seem to have any kind of interest in dealing with these issues because it’s too much of a headache.
The last point I’ll say on this is, if I ever have kids of my own someday, I will 100% for sure be putting them in martial arts classes at an early age so that if they find themselves in a bad spot, bully or otherwise, they know how to deal with the situation effectively.
It is interesting that you post this today as I was lucky enough to hear the Dalai Lama speak today in Ottawa. He briefly mentioned bullying and said that it was driven by a negative emotion. It is brought on by fear and it is not a healthy outcome of this fear. I have to say I agree much more with his view. I myself was bullied heavily as a child by several people and one person in particular. I want to clarify that I was EMOTIONALLY bullied. Scarred in places that are difficult to mend. If anything, it has made me more doubtful of my value and robbed me of some of my self-worth. There is a little girl inside of me that I have been trying to heal for some time. She still cries a lot and tries to stop me from doing things I think would be fun to do. She is the voice that sits inside my head and tells me I’m not good enough. She is the little girl who was bullied so badly that she ate lunch in the bathroom so she wouldn’t have to face her bully. Learning to lose and deal with people you don’t like while still having compassion for them makes you stronger. Being beat down until you believe that you should hate yourself does not. Take it from a survivor.
I see your point, but for those it drives to suicide–what of them? Some aren’t capable or have the resources to figure out how to fight back. I think you have to address both sides.
Polarizing? I believe we are all bullied. I was bullied as a child. I have been bullied as an adult. I believe bullying to be a coercive or forceful action. It is to attain an otherwise undeserved outcome through intimidation. By this definition, you were bullied in your story of purchasing tickets in a previous post, “The Least Money You Fight For.”
Occupy is a form of bullying. Terrorism is bullying. Politicians use bullying. Parents bully children. Children bully parents. Bosses bully employees. Employees bully bosses. Husbands, wives, sisters and brothers all bully. It comes and goes around in varying degrees. Maybe I am saying, we have all been the bully.
Does bullying provide opportunity lessons? Yes. Good lessons and bad. Is bullying a lesson. No. It can be a lesson in light of good supportive parents, friends, teachers and mentors; with good counsel and instruction it can be a teachable moment for the bully and the bullied.
Does bullying cause suicide? I think popular culture is quick to blame, fast to find fault. Some who are bullied commit suicide. If, as I believe, we are all bullied then we would all be assumed suicidal.
It is sad when someone takes their life. What is the root cause? The reality that I see as cause for suicide is lack of coping. This diagnosis will not likely be made as it requires accepting blame rather than pointing at another. Why is this skill not developed? The lesson is not taught well, or even at all.
Children are killing themselves across our country because they are victims of constant bullying at school. Children who are beaten, get broken bones, are half-drowned in toilets–and worse, every day. When you have a gang of bullies tormenting you every day you do not always learn to fight back. And some children–too many children–suffer silently and ashamedly until they can finally take no more. And while I can certainly understand someone who has survived such things trying to find some good in what occurred, I do not find it is worth the statements you have made. I have spoken to some of these victims and their families. There is no way your statements would bring any comfort to them. Better that parents wake-up and realize how awful these acts of hate have become. If you think your child has never been a victim, it is, sadly, more likely that they never mentioned it to you because they felt ashamed. We need to stand up! We need to let our children know that we think bullying is wrong and horrible. We need to tell them as adults it is called assault and battery and people go to jail for it. And we need to let all children everywhere know that they are magnificent by being exactly who they are: they are unique in all time and space in this world and are needed by the world because only they can contribute the exact things which they can to us. It is about teaching values and gratitude for who they are and for all the variety in the human condition. It is about love versus hate.
I think that the teasing of friends and siblings is enough for any child to deal with. Bullying, as meant in its proper meaning, and not the glib way it is tossed about nowadays for every slight disagreement or teasing is not to be allowed.
I was never bullied as a child – I trained as an adult as a Stress Counsellor amongst other things.
Then I was bullied – as in the correct meaning of the word – for a year by a workplace colleague and was left a wreck.
I dealt with it in the proper way – reporting up the line, facing the bully etc – but she was determined to break me and she did.
I was forced to leave my job and live on savings, diagnosed as having all the classic signs of PTSD and a year later am still waking screaming from nightmares and suffering the after effects, while she has moved on (I am certain) to her next victim.
So, when anyone tosses the word bullying around check if they mean actual bullying which should never be tolerated or teasing which is part of growing up.
And unless you have been actually bullied and suffered the after effects you cannot understand the torment of true bullying. It ends lives, it almost ended mine, but for the strength of my husband in holding me together enough to get through each day.
Bullying is ongoing, prolonged and vicious. It is never acceptable. Teasing and childhood falling outs are an entirely different thing.
I would go on, but I know that I am wasting energy and becoming upset over something that means nothing to anyone who has not been the victim of real bullying. Would you allow children to be abused? Of course not! And bullying is abuse. Real abuse.
I agree – the difference between simple teasing and bullying needs to be clarified. It’s like the difference between teasing and “sexual harrassment” which was the concern when I was in high school. Some minor name calling and exclusion is normal, makes you stronger, I agree. Priolonged, vicious humiliation, assaults cannot be tolerated. But it’s hard to know how a child may be downplaying things when they try to speak up. Adults need to stop, LISTEN and then when they’re done listening, LISTEN MORE. I tried as a teenager to speak out about what was going on in my school and told that the teachers figured the girls liked it, they didn’t want to get involved, etc. They saw what was happening and expected that if a 14 year old girl was having her breasts grabbed in the teachers presence, she would assume he needed to be told further to discipline the boys doing this.
I think I’ve gone off on a tangent… sorry…
I hope you realize the people who bully are also sick, and you did nothing to deserve bullying. Good for speaking your mind here!
I like this post because you really opened a can of worms. I like reading both sides of this topic.
I welcome a discussion on it… I realise that bullying will probably never disappear but something has got to be done to stamp it out. It’s hard to under-estimate the destructive effects…
…this might seem lazy or self-promoting but I actually (coincidentally) wrote a post today about my own experiences of bullying… you can read it at this link.
I don’t agree with this. I cannot see how saying bullying builds chatracter is in any way a sensible arguement. True, there will be children who seem to be able to cope with bullying and maybe it does form a certain amount of self-fortitude in some. However, there are far more children who suffer terribly because of bullying, to the point of mental illness and even suicide. How can this be right? Those children who cannot cope with bullying, do we say they are weak? What about the bullies? Do we say they have something to offer society in the way of character building? That’s obviously nonsense isn’t it. And what happens to the bullies as they grow up…what do they turn into? No wonder the world is in such a mess! Full of egotistic people who think that they can get their own way by intimidating others. No, bullying is not right! We should be helping people to become enlighten and evolve.
Very interesting site and topic… thnx for passing by on my site LA-PAGE-D’AGNÈS-Agnès
Hi there! Thanks for visiting my blog. As a young child who was constantly bullied in elementary school, I think I do see where you are coming from. Bullying is not going to go away miraculously, so classroom bullying presents an opportunity for children to learn to stand their ground and assert themselves. However, I do also understand the problems that these victims go through, too.
As a child, I was quite the goody-two-shoes. We are conditioned by school teachers and parents that fighting back is “bad” behaviour, loosely classified under violence and hurt towards another human being. Nice, non-assertive children don’t necessarily also comprehend that there are exceptions to this rule, and out of a very real fear of disappointing our elders, we don’t retaliate and soon develop a kind of learned helplessness that parents are often ill equipped to handle (“Just report it to the teacher, and stay away from these bad company!”).
To fully utilise the learning opportunity of an encounter with a school bully, I think as parents we’d need to take a more active role explaining, difficult as it may be, the difference between the violence bullies perpetrate, and the violence exercised in self defence. You’ll still get detention, but the key is knowing that the punishment was meted more because you inconvenienced the institution, rather than that you were “wrong” to sock Jack in the eye.
An interesting take on the subject. While I don’t necessarily agree that bullying “helps”, I understand the concept you put forth. I fully agree that it is a part of life that we need to learn to deal with. Whether bullied in the playground growing up or in business later in life, we must learn how to handle these unpleasant situations.
This is an interesting side to the story. While this may be true, there are consequences to the possibility, but such as life though. For me, it was partly traumatic. I don’t know if I could truly measure altogether that it actually “helped” me.
Nonetheless, a very thought provoking post.
OH, and ALSO, Thanks for dropping by to my blog site.
Coming back again to read more views and I still go away with this.
Hate breeds hate, violence breeds more violence. The comments on thos post are proof people will never agree, and if you are not part of one clique than you are likely to be bullied by yet another. uh-uh, not in my world.
I understand your point of view and embrace it to an extent, but I have to ask…how would you deal with a Hitler? Not everyone will listen to reason and not everyone will respond to the more subtle pressures.
Don’t you, at some point, have to stand up and stop the bully in his/her tracks if they refuse to comply with more reasonable standards?
I so agree. Hate will breed hate until someone breaks the cycle – I don’t even contemplate allowing it in my life anymore and if any of my step kids were to bully anyone they would be expected to stop immediately and make recompense. For a long time. Until they understood what damage they could have caused.
I agree with your argument to a certain extent because I believe that such matters as bullying can make a person stronger through experience. However, in order for one to gain such strength, s/he really has to work hard toward making some changes within themselves. It’s not just any lay-man’s job to recognize his/her weaknesses and work on them and shift their world views. That requires an open-mind that comes with experience.
We are all a part of the animal kingdom, with individual personalities and instincts. As with those species we refer to as “animals”, we also have individual alpha personalities who may “bully” those with inferior characteristics. Some may use this to build a broader shield against such attacks or to adapt in order survive. Other weaker individuals who may not be as strong or lack the instincts of survival are eliminated. It is part of nature, survival of the fittest. Sad but true, like it or not. Just my two pennies.
I see everyone’s thoughts here. As much as I want to reply one-by-one, it’ll be vain because I’d just be repeating myself over. Though I thank you for taking the time!
I’m not saying that we should totally allow bullying, nobody desires that. Also, I’m not saying that we take our full efforts to eradicate it, because as stayhomepapa pointed out, we don’t live in a Utopian society. Half our efforts go to that, the other half is in toughening our children.
I remain in my argument that experiencing pain early on prepares a child of the unfairness of life. It’s a little harsh, but it is true. Bullying stretches into adulthood.
You are right about support system. It is the responsibility of parents, teachers and counselors to monitor their children of any signs of defeat, isn’t it? I feel for parents seeing their kid depressed or down, I know it kills them more than the child. Parents listen and care. And I do care about bullied children. Help them until they’re good on their own, because later on they’ll be on their own.
Vanessa Chapman mentioned that some individuals have the personality to cope up with bullying and empower them; Jim Cantwell and LexoKat stood their ground and fought, and now were stronger persons. I was bullied too, profusely, and I fought until I’m strong enough to take on whomever bully there is. That’s all I’m saying, there’s pain but it prepares them for advancing life.
Sometimes, bully can take other forms. I wouldn’t say that I have been bullied to the extent that I wanted to end my life, but I had very low self-confidence and always doubted myself. I would think that I was bad for not doing certain things and I blamed myself for bad things that happened, all because of what my friends said/did, intentionally or unintentionally. I used to question myself in the bathroom and cried. Took me 2 great years to regain my confidence with the help of my husband. It may not be seen as bullying, but it can certainly break someone too.
Bullies are sometimes disguised as best friends too. I guess there is no way for us to stop bullying, but only to brace ourselves physically and mentally. And to teach our children how to handle bullies.
Totally agree with Will Wassel above. Bully can make someone stronger if there is help/guidance available, but will definitely break someone if such help is not available.
Wou.. its do amazing being here…!,seriously bulling makes one sharp,sometimes its a form of initiation into a community, hmmmmm.. funny but it connects you to knew people! its a simple way to say am aware of you! its healthy if done correctly..!
“totally in love with this topic….!”
Who you are does not depend on the situations you were in…..but how you reacted to them. I teach my boys that there is no way that they will ever get through life without someone trying to belittle them, but that those people will only win if they allow them to belittle them. Believe in who you are and what you stand for, those that disagree, well they disagree. Nothing more. Move on.
You are correct when you say that we will never rid the world of bulleying, so why not teach our children the proper way to deal with it. It’s a much more attainable goal!
Admire your zeal but this is easier said than done: “It’s so easy to punch back or pull the hair of your bullies, but you’ve learned a valuable lesson when you restrained yourself and fought back with integrity.”
All people are under peer pressure and other intangible shackles, and those kind of things are hard to break unless you have a trained personality. In the end though, bullying can make or break a person. There was never an absolute choice.
Thanks for visiting my blog.
“A bullied child will learn how to fight later on…… It’s so easy to punch back or pull the hair of your bullies, but you’ve learned a valuable lesson when you restrained yourself and fought back with integrity.” <—-Indeed
"Experiencing pain early in life only increases your threshold of it. Indefinitely, next time an oppressing force strained you, you knew you got over it, that it’s nothing beyond manageable. I see bullying as a practical teacher from life for the rest of life." <—–Indeed Indeed Indeed
"It is better to be bullied, that to be the bully." <—- Amen!
"What’s your view in bullying? Has it changed you?"
Yes indeed, being bullied has definitely changed me. Drew Barrymore said it best "If you're going to go through hell… I suggest you come back learning something."
I went through internal hell when I was bullied in junior high school. Mental, emotional, spiritual hell. And as much as I hated the experience back then, when my self esteem was so weak that I would rather spend my day in my bed rather than see the sun shine, I have realized that I have be so blessed to have found an escape through reading and from reading I obtained wisdom, wisdom that helped me grow a thicker skin, wisdom that has helped me hold my head high, wisdom that has given me strength to face my bully another day and not fight back with a fist but fight back with intelligence.
The best revenge is success and indeed the truth is crystal clear. Fight back with integrity, fight back with intelligence, fight back with wisdom, fight back with awareness, and you will be rewarded tenfold when you fight back with peace and mental strength versus fighting back with violence that will only reward you with paying a hard price that is not worth it….detention, suspension, expelled or jail.
Thank you for this validating post!
~~So Appreciated!~~
I always love a challenge to conventional wisdom. You’re right, but kids have to see their parents model the right approach, and sometimes that involves parents needing to step in directly. I loathe the bully mentality, personally, but there’s no denying it as a fact of life.